Big Fat Bribe Blog: my love is like a lead, lead rose

This article is from 2016

Big Fat Bribe Blog: my love is like a lead, lead rose

In which we receive flowers, a chemical element in the carbon group and some expired banana twinkies

Picture the scene: it's a drizzly Friday afternoon. There's just over an hour until hometime, and a bunch of red roses arrive. How lovely, we think. Somebody loves us, we think. Then our eyes focus on the thing behind the roses, is that… rhubarb? Yes, that's rhubarb. Oh, well, fine. Good, even. Rhubarb is packed with minerals, vitamins and organic compounds, somebody really must love us if they want us to nourish our bodies in a such a way. Then, something else glimmers in the warm, afternoon light. Is that… is that a big thing of lead? Yes, is it, that's a big thing of lead. Somebody sent us lead. This isn't love, we think. This can't be love. This is something much darker than love.

Turns out, it was a bribe. Panic Arbery Productions' The Rose & Crown is a one-act play, set in a London pub in the 1940s. The war is over, but there's still plenty to complain about, especially once a stranger enters with an unusual request. But what's this got to do with roses and rhubarb and lead? Well, the play features the following line: 'I suppose you think I can grow new lead pipes in the back garden like sticks of flaming rhubarb'. Another mystery solved.

After that emotional rollercoaster, we needed a snack. Luckily, spoken word artists Beattie & Scratchmann cleared out their cupboards, and sent us some half-eaten chocolate, sugar hearts, flakes, and some recently-expired banana twinkies. Not that we're fussy: we still ate them within six seconds of the package arriving.

'Having to bribe you, well, we think that's obscene, so we just raided our cupboards because we are mean,' the accompanying note said. It's fine, we get it. Us writers are mean too. We didn't share the expired twinkies with the rest of the office.

Beattie & Scratchmann's Fringe show, Edinburgh in the Shadows #2 is an all-new version of last year's hit, you guessed it, Edinburgh in the Shadows. It features stories from the darker side of the city (the kind you can't pick up at the brochure stand in Waverley Station).

If you're a performer, and you've been inspired by these kind folk who lavished us with post-transition metals and American snack foods, please send your own bribe to:

The Keeper of the Bribes
The List
Tweeddale Court
14 High Street

Check out other bribes we've received on our Big Fat Bribe Blog.