Sell us your festival show in 50 Words
Can these Festival folk win you over in a mere half-century of words?
This article is from 2015.
After three successful one-man shows, Allie is my first two-hander, a dark comedy set in the Edinburgh I grew up in. Allie meets gangster Bobby Warren but her wet dream turns into a bloodstained nightmare. Now she's out to wreak vengeance on the man who stole her dreams!
Allie, Gilded Balloon, 5–31 Aug, 5pm.
Here Comes Everybody sets the rules in its title. Corporate architects are having a heyday with their gherkins, shards and toasters and turds. Kennardphillipps collapse the towers of capital into the people’s landscape, biting at hierarchy with the stuff of their dustbin. Exhibition and Action, Stills and St James’ Centre.
Here Comes Everybody, Stills, 31 Jul–25 Oct, 11am.
I used to be a charisma-free zone, now I squirt it everywhere. I can teach you how. I’m a high-priestess-guru type person. Come to me. Even if you’re uncomfortable saying ‘nipple’ and prefer to say ‘sensitive chest raisin’ instead. Let’s come together. Love, Gay Furnish (no relation to David).
Flirt Coach, Underbelly Cowgate, 6–30 Aug (not 17, 24), 9pm.
Candice is an 18-year-old south Londoner trying to understand her place in the world, provocatively plucking at the stereotypes she sees around her. There’s insight, laugh-out-loud humour and music. The characters are based on people I’ve met but the words and the dancing are all my own!
Portrait, Pleasance Dome, 5–29 Aug (not 17, 24), 1.20pm.
Inspired by a woman I saw from my window. One shoelace undone, a pink neon thong which was surprising as the rest of her outfit was Amish. I decided to follow her to extinguish my habit of stalking online. I thought this would teach me a lesson. I was right.
I Loved Her, Underbelly Cowgate, 6–30 Aug, 5.30pm.
Elvis McGonagall’s Countrybile. Ingredients: full tartan jacket. Ken Dodd hairdo. Vitriolic satire. Baffies. Duchy Originals Gangsta Rap. Wiggins wannabes. Fundamentalist Wombles. Kirstie Allsopp’s knitted yurt. Dave’s Eton mess. That posh actor Bedlington Crumplethatch. Allergy warning: contains poetry but not as we know it, Jim. It’s ‘pure, dead brilliant’ (Wee Granny in an Anorak).
Countrybile, Stand in the Square, 17–30 Aug, 1.40pm.
We all know what you've done. The guilt clings to you like a clematis, its blossom exposes your disgrace to the world. Sleeplessness weakens your wits, your nerves are splintered. You can't hold onto the lie much longer. You need a laugh. Why not come to my show?
That’s the Way, A-Ha A-Ha, Joe Lycett, Pleasance Courtyard, 5–30 Aug (not 10, 17, 24), 8pm.
DAVINA AND THE VAGABONDS
The One, The Only: Davina and The Vagabonds are coming to your town! These four well-dressed dapper men and a pin-curled, red-lipped sassy woman have come to bring you 100 years of Americana music full of life, love, adventure, and excitement! Bring your smiles and dancing feet!
Tron Kirk, 17 Jul, 1.30pm, 19 Jul, 7.30pm; St Andrew Square, 17 Jul, 10pm, 18 Jul, 8pm.
If you like blockbuster movies, superheroes and sneaky villains, then you’ll love BLAM! A super-charged adrenaline-fuelled rollercoaster ride from beginning to end. An ordinary day in the office explodes into a riotous crescendo of death-defying stunts and movie-inspired mayhem. Don't be the one who didn’t SEE IT!
BLAM!, Pleasance Courtyard, 5–31 Aug (not 12, 18, 24), 5.55pm.
I can’t imagine the queen with wet hair. And last time I went on a date, I told the girl she had a lovely laugh to make her think she had been laughing loads. My show is about how if people think you’re weird, that's actually a good thing.
Salmon, The Hive, 7–31 Aug, 5:20pm.
JACK: We’re both really excited about the show. We’ve been gelling really well as a pair and have written some of our best material yet. ANNIE: I’m looking to recast my brother Jack. We don’t get on that well and I’d rather work with someone else. The show’s a fucking shambles.
Pret a Comedy, Pleasance Courtyard, 7–30 Aug, midnight.
As gender inequality was fixed in 2013, why have we made this? Money. A man gave us money to write it. So here it is, a whole hour solving Women every other day. For some money, you can be there too. £6 tickets, four-star reviews, two laydeez in short shorts and one Women’s Hour.
Women’s Hour, Summerhall, 5–30 Aug (not Tue, Thu, Sat), 2pm.
Eight years of dusty libraries, 133 banquets and 64 hours of sweating with 70-year-old clowns have led to a show entirely in Chinese, but for people who don’t speak any Chinese at all. You’ll understand it, but you won't know why. Please come or my whole life’s work will be a waste.
It’s Only Words, Community Project, 6–30 Aug (not 18), 4.15pm.
We are finally doing what nobody has asked us to do and are filming our first Live DVD. There will be explosions. Come see us before we climb aboard the fame train to America. Goodbye Holyrood, hello Hollywood.
Live DVD, Pleasance Courtyard, 5–31 Aug (not 18), 4.45pm.
Edinburgh is full of comedians with opinions. Are they real? Or are they actors with punchlines? And does it really matter either way? Routines answers those questions and more by containing its own, built-in, behind-the-scenes DVD extras. Giving you the chance to see performers onstage, offstage and everywhere in-between.
Routines, Free Sisters, 6–30 Aug (not 18), 3.45pm.
When is a bagel not a bagel? When it is a 12-year matured, aged-in-Scotland Bagel! The band will be 12 in July this year and celebrates ‘not being Klesmer enough’ by playing a music mix of influences always ‘in the moment’ that has been known to have changed people’s lives … for the better!
Moishe's Bagel, St Andrew Square, 24 Jul, 10pm.
Where are all the shy Tories? I’m here. Except I’m not shy. Nor do I have private healthcare, a Range Rover or a family crest. If you are a deluded leftie, come sit with me for an hour. I‘ll set you straight on this and other things.
The Look of Moron, The Tron, 10–29 Aug (not 18), 2.20pm.
I create the ultimate Batman movie, starring me, taking all the best bits from the comics, films and TV series. I’ve built my own props, my mum made my costume and I have a superpower that even Ben Affleck doesn’t have: a master’s degree in musical theatre.
Bat-Fan, Pleasance Courtyard, 5–30 Aug (not 17), 3.30pm.
My show is a love letter to following the rules, being a square and doing everything to the letter of the law. Let’s just say it’ll be awkward if Batman comes to see it: he really gets it in the neck from ol’ Sheriff Gamble. Same goes for my girlfriend.
Lawman, Canons’ Gait, 8–30 Aug, 1.15pm.
In the 80s I was the face of HP Sauce and Avon body scrub. Before I went to prison, my show sold out the Dagenham Mecca five nights in a row! I’m finally free, and you want me to sell it in one paragraph? Not possible.
Duchess of Canvey, Underbelly Potterrow, 5–31 Aug (not 17), 10.30pm.