First word: Bob Servant

This article is from 2011.

Bob Servant

Hero of Dundee (and creation of Neil Forsyth) on Jesus, Brian Cox and Broughty Ferry

First record you ever bought
The theme tune to Puff the Magic Dragon. I have never heard anything sum up life's challenges better than that song.

First film you saw that really moved you
Zulu. I watch it every Saturday morning and every single time it finds a new heart string to twang.

Last lie you told
'That's not my dog.'

First movie you ever went on a date to
Zulu, Dundee Picturehouse, 1966. My date walked out and I shouted: "They're fleeing sir, they're fleeing!" which near enough brought the roof down.

Last time you cried
When Andy 'the Dunblane Hydro' Murray got knocked out of Wimbledon.

First thing you do when you've got time off work
Take a tour round the boozers of Dundee and check on my respect levels.

Last great meal you cooked
A Meat Attack cheeseburger. I got banned from selling them on the vans in the late 1980s but they can't touch me now. I only make them for personal use or formal commissions by celebrities.

First crush
Bunny Austin.

Last book you read
The Bible. It's in my top three autobiographies along with Wogan and Savile. Jesus was some boy, a real man's man.

First great piece of advice you were given
Life is like a box of spanners. You stand there and hold your spanner and say, 'Oh look at me with my spanner' and then you … sorry, hang on. I think I meant hammers. What is it? For Christ's sake. Right, let's go for: "Put down your spanner and have a good time."

Last time you were star struck
In the late 1970s my granny briefly dated Harry Secombe. He came round to our house for Christmas and lifted me up and screamed – I mean really screamed – 'You are the naughtiest boy in Britain' in my ear. I was 23 years old and absolutely furious.

First thing you'd do if you ran the country
Make it a law that men can't clasp their hands behind their backs and rock back and forth when they speak to you. It's a cheap way to gain control over a conversation and it should not be allowed.

Last meal on Earth – what would it be?
Meat Attack and the chances are it will be.

First song you'll sing at karaoke.
Anything by Linda Ronstadt or NWA.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Half price entry to Broughty Ferry Gala Week. I'm currently suing them to recover the half that I paid.

First time you realised you were famous
I was walking down the road with Brian Cox and a traffic warden got Coxy to take a photo of me and the warden. Coxy was absolutely furious and later that night childishly covered me in chicken chow mein while I slept.

Last time someone criticised your work
I got a one-star review on Amazon that said it was 'a bit lazy' and they 'just didn't connect with Bob as a person'. I could only agree wholeheartedly.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
'Simply The Best'

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
Ordering 5,000 'The Dunblane Hydro Wimbledon Hero 2011' T-shirts.

Last funny thing you saw online
My much-imitated Twitter account @bobservant

Last person in the world you'd sleep with
Philip Schofield. I've never bought into this 'thinking man's crumpet' image he's somehow built up.

First word you spoke

Last crime you committed
Multiple murder. Can I see this before it goes in?

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Philip Schofield.

Neil Forsyth, An Audience with Bob Servant, Charlotte Square Gardens, 0845 373 5888, 23 Aug, 8.30pm, £10 (£8)

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