Tim Vine delivers the Fringe's best one-liner

  • The List
  • 25 August 2010

This article is from 2010.

Tim Vine deliver's the Fringe's best one-liner.

Pannel of judges votes on best, and worst, cracks of the festival

Comedy shows are a great place to try out a new one-liner and this has turned Edinburgh into the genre's Petri dish. While many experimentations end up botched, quite a few can be certified gold. Some of the performers even managed to get jokes onto both sides into both ends of the spectrum.

The TV channel Dave brought together a panel of eight critics to judge what this year's Fringe festival had to offer in way of cracks and puns, having them sit through 60 different performances with 36,000 minutes worth of material. Each judge then listed the favourite and worst jokes, which resulted in a shortlist of 24 jokes in each category and were left to the public to decide.

Tim Vine won best one liner in his show The Joke-amotive with "I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what. Never again." Vine's shows are usually built around being able to deliver as many gags as possible - at one point he held the world record of most jokes told in an hour (499).

Here's the 10 best:

1. Tim Vine - “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

2. David Gibson as Ray Green – “I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”

3. Emo Philips – “I picked up a hitch hiker. You gotta when you hit them.”

4. Jack Whitehall – “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say “bought” - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

5. Gary Delaney – “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.”

6. John Bishop – “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

7. Bo Burnham – “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

8. Gary Delaney – “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

9. Robert White – “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty.”

10. Gareth Richards – “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

And here are some of the worst:

Sara Pascoe – “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”

Sean Hughes – “You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?”

Gyles Brandreth – “I’ve got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that’s the point isn’t it?”

Doc Brown – “I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.”

John Luke Roberts – “I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”

Sarah Millican – “I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.”

Bec Hill - “Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”

Dan Antopolski – “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”

Andi Osho - “Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?”

Gareth Richards – “My mother is always taking photographs of me; she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.”

Emo Phillips - “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

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