- The List
- 20 August 2010
This article is from 2010
Five-star comedy child prodigy Bo Burnham uses this week’s Festival Insider space to consider the trees’ perspective
A letter to the Fringe, from the Trees of Edinburgh.
For the past month, we have stood idly by while you distribute and discard the mangled bodies of our fallen brethren. The Fringe Festival, thought by many to be a celebration of the arts, has turned into an ecological bloodbath – a paper holocaust. Posters, flyers and pamphlets litter the city (we see that you don’t call them ‘leaflets’ as that may remind you of the reality of those you are hurting). You plaster them on the walls as a warning to trees who dare to speak up. Well, enough is enough!
You’ve killed so many of us – and for what? So that 30 people will go watch a bunch of university kids do a Kabuki version of The Taming of the Shrew? So that some improv troupe has enough audience members to guarantee that when they ask for ‘a suggestion from the audience’, at least one of the people in the crowd will shout out a category for which they already have a pre-planned routine? So that when some sketch duo’s show is going poorly, they can go into the packed house and do something slightly homoerotic to a random old man, thus guaranteeing a large laugh from the audience out of discomfort? So that some dance company can get a loud ovation when the fat one in the group does ‘the worm’? So that some stand-up comedian gets enough laughs to forget about his father again? You sicken us!
Shows lead to reviews, which lead to more flyers, and more reviews, and more flyers, reviews, flyers, reviews, flyers … YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WASH THE PULP OFF YOUR HANDS!
You are wolves in sheep’s clothing, or, more accurately, serial killers in tights and codpieces. Please, we beg of you, stop this madness. It can all end today. This doesn’t need to go any further. Jack Whitehall’s shows have been sold out for weeks! Why are you still printing flyers for him?! Yes, he’s attractive, but a pretty face is no excuse for genocide!
Do the right thing. This wrong can still be made right. Please. Make like one of us, and leaf us alone.
The Trees of Edinburgh
PS. We have written this as an email as I don’t want to contribute to the problem. If you print this in one of your stupid magazines, we shall see it as an act of war and we will cease to provide you with oxygen.