Moira's five ways to ensure you survive the festival

This article is from 2010

Five ways to ensure you survive this year's festival

'Falkirk's hardest woman' hands out tips on surviving the Fringe

Being on tour can be a stressful business, what with staying away from home, forgetting your lines onstage and, erm, setting off the fire alarm in the venue. Scotland’s newest stage superstar, Moira, shares her tips on how to survive a fortnight at the Fringe

1 If yer gonnay be on at the Embra Fringe first thing is: dinnay get nervous. It’s only fuckin Embra, ken whit I mean? Hoose prices cannay get ye doon by the hair. And onywey, it’s just actin, which ye dae aw the time. Polis at the door? There’s yer drama school right there. Many times we covered for them laddies noo, Babs? Aye too many, hen, you are right.

2 If ye forget yer ‘lines’ onstage, just hae a wee blether tae the audience. Tell them aboot yer dug or yer work or yer karaoke night. Folk like a blether. Especially aboot that premier night spot, The Martell (or the Tartell, as it’s kent in Falkirk, even though it’s only classy lassies like me and Babs whit go there).

3 Ye should demand what’s kent as a ‘rider’ fae the venue. Depends on yer tastes, obviously. I like them in Navy uniform. But always try and maintain a good relationship wi the venue, in case ye set the fire alarm aff when ye’re havin a cheeky toke in the toilets.

4 Being on tour isnay borin! Ye’re in a hotel iviry night, so how can it get borin? Nae meals tay cook, dishes tay dae or dug shite tay pick up fae the gairden. Just you, the telly, a braw big bed, a half bottleay Smirnoff and a packetay Silk Cut. If it’s a Setirday, ye’ve probably even got The X-Factor. Newsay the World delivered tay yer door next moarnin. I love bein on tour.

5 Get yer laddies tae hand oot flyers advertisin yer show. Many times ye ironed their shirts? Exactly. Get their arses oot there. They can pick up some Pepsi Max while they’re at it.

The Moira Monologues, National Library of Scotland, 226 0000, until 21 Aug (not 14 & 15), 7pm, £8 (£6).5Things

The Moira Monologues

Alan Bissett performs his own one-woman show, a series of stories from Falkirk's hardest woman, Moira Bell. Whether defending 'her wee pepe' from the local rottweiler, attempting to seduce a teacher in the school where she works as a cleaner, or belting out Diana Ross for the Scotia karaoke night, Moira is hilarious and…