Comedy of Errors

This article is from 2007.

Al Pitcher’s show Idiot Wind is based around a rather unfortunate incident involving a woman, an aeroplane and some flatulence. Here, he gives us his top five social faux pas

Don’t try and outstare a street performer
In the business they are known as statics. These are serious professionals so don’t mess with them, as they can have evil in their dark eyes. It’s a classic faux pas: they are trained for this combat and even with the aid of abusive language on your part, you are going to lose and the mute will win.

Don’t pretend your sister is your girlfriend
No matter how tempting it is to impress the lads in the office, don’t pretend your blood is your lady. It’s just going to get awkward when it comes to question time, with the: ‘How did you meet ?’ and ‘Have you got any sisters or brothers?’ You just need to lose the mullet, get your back waxed and stop playing cricket. Then you can maybe have a real girlfriend. Your sister with one misplaced comment could set your standing in the office back years.

If you can’t do it, don’t say you can
This covers a lot of ground, whether it’s a casual remark about how you can ride wild boar or how good you are at giving haircuts, just don’t accept the invitation/challenge. Just apologise and buy dinner. There is nothing worse than seeing somebody molested by a wild boar and we all know how socially awkward a bad perm is. Don’t even regale tales of your granddad’s prowess that he has passed on.

Don’t ever say ‘yes’ if you mean ‘no’
C’mon ladies, you know what I mean. If you don’t want the moustache tell your bloke to lose it. Simple. If you want one so bad, you grow it.

Don’t ever predict an outcome
About 31% of the world’s population believes they can be psychic. YOU are not Nostradamus and I can quite confidently say that. OK, you got lucky when you predicted granddad’s death after that heart attack but how many times have you got Pop Idol wrong? It’s the law of averages. If we could all spout something before it occurred like: ‘My mobile battery’s going’ or: ‘You are going to hit that cat’, then we would, wouldn’t we? But we can’t so don’t go changing your name to William Hill.

Al Pitcher, Pleasance Courtyard, 556 6550, 4–27 Aug (not 14), 10.45pm, £9–£10 (£7.50–£8.50). Previews until 3 Aug, £5.

Al Pitcher

With never a dull moment, this walking, face-pulling non-sequitur rockets his way around a series of topics with hilarious results. Funnier and more random than a sausage with sideburns. 'Part of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2007'.

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