Edinburgh insight: Rosa Waxes Lyrical
This article is from 2009.
Beautician to the stars, Rosa, spills the beans on the rich and famous as she prepares to take the Fringe by storm
My name is Rosa and I run my own beauty salon in Edinburgh, where I specialise in bikini waxing, colouration and of course, the back, sack, crack and shaft wax. Many of your readers at The List are my clients, and many more would be if they could only get an appointment.
I’m a waxer to the stars, and I have put many high-profile people where they are today … David Beckham, Brangelina, the man with the gorgeous tan from the big white house. Honey, these are just a few of the lucky men and women who have screamed out my name as I rip from them their unwelcome mats.
I’m in the business of changing people’s lives. I have a very simple anthem, which of course is the most played single in beauty salons across the world: ‘Honour Your Bikini’. It’s amazing how effective this little motto has been for my clients.
I tell you a story. Some years ago I received a visit from a single mum who was down in the dumps: no money, no man. She says to me: ‘Rosa, please help me, I need you to find a man who could bring a bit of magic into my life and also, some money.’ I cannot tell you who this lady was; of course she is a big star now, but I say to her, ‘JK, sit down, take two neurofen and relax!’
Then I shaped her bikini into a lightning bolt. In no time, she is calling me from her house in the Bahamas to tell me of the man who has brought her fortune, fame and much magic, Hairy Potter.
I moved to the Scotland from Russia in 1984 after the break up of my marriage. My husband Igor was regrettably more in love with my brother Tomcruiski than he was with me and the two of them fled to the Russian Alps where they inspired the Russian cult hit movie, You Broke My Back in the Mountains.
Honeys, my hit comedy cabaret show, Rosa Waxes Lyrical, is already a crowd favourite at this year’s Edinburgh Festival despite its frequent references to bears, David Beckham and sausages. I want you to come to sit in my theatre and drink in some of my words of advice. Look at what I did for Susan Boyle, Donald Trump and Nicolas Sarkozy. Think of what I could do for you!
David Beckham was my client. He said to me: ‘Rosa, please help me. I have desires for other women besides Posh. I say to him, ‘Becks, it’s only natural; many, many men are hungry for a slice of the hot Russian tart, just ask Mel Gibson.’ But you know, as my grandmother back in Russia would say, before the wolf took her tongue, ‘Never sleep with the door open, or with a chop in your mouth.’
Rosa Waxes Lyrical, Nightclub at the Gilded Balloon, 622 6552, until 26 Aug, 9.30pm, £10 (£8.50).