Simon Munnery - Festival veteran


This article is from 2008.

Festival veterans - Simon Munnery

Simon Munnery shares his lessons learned from 21 years on the Fringe

  • Give up. And carry on.
  • Don't lend Phil Kay a blanket. Give it to him as a gift; this saves awkwardness later. He's not a materialist, even if the material in question is pure wool.
  • The Fringe has taken my money, my hair and my youth. But my money I did not need, my hair served no useful purpose and, as for my youth, he still writes, but now his epistles are infused with such delightful malice, such shimmering insight, that the words leap off the page.
  • If you see a queue, join it. If you don't see a queue, start one. After all, history has proven time and again that groups of people in lines are never wrong.
  • Dance for fuck's sake. That's what you're for.
  • Reviews are no substitute for views; while you're discussing what you have seen, you could be seeing something else.
  • Get tanked up at dawn, stop drinking in the afternoon and go to bed sober. That way there will be no hangovers and if you do end up in hospital it will be off-peak.
  • Some buses in Edinburgh have a pole in the entrance that prevents getting a pram on. This is because the Lothian bus company are not in favour of children.
  • If a girl suddenly starts dancing in front of you for no obvious reason calm down and think to yourself, 'Tis so because I will it so.' In fact if anything happens that is surprising or perplexing think, 'Tis so because I will it so.'
  • Hang with rappers from NYC, they where it at. What they say may not make sense, but it does rhyme. Word.
  • Remember someone somewhere in this town is having a better time than you, but they wouldn't be if you were there with them because you're a miserable sod mourning you know not what and sucking the life out of the room.
  • Go to a gig at the Jazz Festival and try to pay with chocolate coins. Tell them it's jazz money.
  • Take your glasses back to the bar.
  • Pick up any butts you find and keep them in your pocket. You'll need them later, believe me.
  • Back in the day there was Late and Live at the Gilded Balloon and it was raucous, exciting and jammed. Now there's a thousand late-night shows all poorly attended. Couldn't we sort this out?
  • Don't come. It'll make it all the better when you do.
  • Whatever you do don't buy The List.

Simon Munnery's AGM 2008, the Stand, 558 7272, until 25 Aug, 4.15pm, £7–£8 (£6–£7).

This article is from 2008.


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