Take 5: Ways to avoid being flyered
This article is from 2008.
1. The Sleeve
The incredible hand-less woman! Was it a freak hand-dryer accident? Or a genetic mutation of great Uncle Albert’s short fingers? No it is The Sleeve. Imbued with ancient and mystical powers, The Sleeve should scare off those rogue leafleters. Ball up your fists for maximum security.
2. The Hollywood
With scarf, sunglasses and preferably a burly, be-suited accomplice, The Hollywood should proclaim your supremacy over the plebs on the Mile. ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ and ‘Don’t touch me, filth, or I’ll sue’ are suggested lines to accompany your disguise. Darling.
3. The Buggy
Mothers worldwide have an untapped weapon against publicity-thrusting pests, should they feel Puppetry of the Penis is inappropriate for the little ‘un. Clamp your hands on the pushchair and remain tight-lipped about baba Jimmy’s name and they don’t stand a chance.
4. The Cult
Proclaim your love for the nearest leaflet-seller in sight. Then proclaim your love for Xeon, king of Nizlosk, suggesting that in exchange for the photocopied leaflet he is proffering you can offer an alternate universe. How does he like them apples?
5. The Local
Growled with gusto, ‘I live here’ can have an sufficiently startling effect on pigtailed bands of 15-year old Americans brandishing mutilated musical versions of Shakespeare’s comedies. Foreigners seem to believe we are as rare a breed as Nessie and, as with all monsters, deem it safest to leave well alone.